Speak Up.

I recently watched an interview Oprah Winfrey had with Trevor Noah where she talked about the work she is doing on advocating for persons with mental health challenges. She is also set to feature in a docuseries, alongside Prince Harry, on issues facing people suffering with mental health. One of her goals, she said on the interview, is to make it okay for people to be able to talk freely about their mental health challenges.

It has been widely acknowledged that people that pass through mental health challenges do so in silence because they do not want to be perceived as unbalanced and incapable of discharging their day to day tasks and responsibilities; because this is what usually happens. 

As was the case with me.

2018 started uneventfully enough; no major events planned, just going through the usual motions. By the second quarter of the year things were ramping up around me and I was feeling the pressure. Just trying to navigate all that was going on coupled with some personnel issues left me just hanging on for dear life. I was not really living, I was going through the motions.

These feelings were not really things one spoke about, especially coming from my background, so I kept my challenges and battles to myself. I was expected to show up at work everyday and lead my team to deliver the expected results and so that was what I did, or tried to do. Never mind that I struggled to get out of bed everyday, and prayed for an emergency that will force me not to go to work; and then I will stay in bed until the very last minute before dragging myself out of bed, throwing something on and making my way to the office. Never mind that as soon as I stepped into the office premises, my heart will start to beat very fast and I will physically tremble in fear just because I was there. Nevertheless I always showed up with my ‘game face on’ while the rest of me was falling apart.

This went on for months until one day on my way to work, I saw myself contemplating physical damage. I thought to myself if I just stepped in front of a moving bus at the last minute so the driver will be unable to avoid hitting me, obviously I’ll be physically hurt and will have to take time off work. In my mind, I thought it was easier to cause physical harm to myself rather than speak up about my anxiety and depression. 

But crystallizing that thought in my head that day marked a turning point for me. I realized that if I was contemplating bodily harm, for someone who ordinarily cannot even prick myself with a needle, then something was terribly wrong and I couldn’t keep pretending that everything was fine. I also couldn’t continue to carry on the way I was.

That day when I got into work, I booked a meeting with a senior colleague who I considered as a mentor. During our chat, I held nothing back. I explained what had been happening and what I thought had triggered this. Of course he was shocked when I told him how badly my condition had deteriorated over time. We agreed some action plans to set me on the path to recovery. After that conversation, I took a couple of days off work and went on a spiritual retreat to try to clear my head and remind myself about my life, my purpose and what was important to me. 

Why have I had the courage to speak about this now? Because still not enough people are aware of mental health challenges and their severe impact. Also too many people suffering mental health issues still prefer to be quiet about it because of the risk of being misunderstood, of being thought of as lazy and not strong enough to pull their own weight. Of being branded as incapable of dealing with stress and tough situations. With the support I got from work and my family and friends, I was able to start my recovery journey. Nine months later, I was back to my normal self.

Anything can trigger a mental health illness, and it can also be cured. Personally I think the first stage of recovery and the most important step is to speak up and seek help and support when you see or suspect the signs. And the signs are there, usually manifested as actions or inactions that show a lethargy towards life, towards doing those things we would ordinarily enjoy doing. 

A support network (could be made up of friends and family) also play a key role. If you know someone well enough, you would know when something is amiss. And though they may not want to talk about it especially with you so they don’t appear weak or less than they want you to see them, be there for them and try to get them to share with anyone they feel comfortable with. 

For me it was my mum. I lived alone but used to have regular conversations with my mum once in a couple of days. Even though I didn’t tell her anything, I think she sensed something was off because she started to call me everyday during this period. She’ll just ask general questions about my welfare, if I was eating and resting okay and if I was coping with work. I felt those calls prevented me from doing stupid things to myself because I knew she would call and if there was no response my parents will be very worried. And I didn’t want to put them through that. At the height of the issue, at the time when I had started to have suicidal thoughts, a friend came to stay with me and then afterwards my parents. Having people around prevented me from acting out my harmful thoughts. 

This combined support system at home and at work helped me get better; but all of this was only possible because I picked up the courage to acknowledge that I had a mental health issue and I sought help for it. 

Mental health issues are as serious as physical health issues and nothing to be ashamed of (I know this now though coming from my background I thought differently). The key to getting better is to speak up, seek help from qualified people and accept the help when we get it.

As with most physical health issues, there is a cure. But the beginning of the cure is to Speak Up. I got better because I spoke up. You too can receive the support you need to get better, all you need to do is Speak Up.